I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
