Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Randomize
