I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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