you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
