I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
