he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
