Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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