dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
