Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
