I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
