i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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