If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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