I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
