just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
