haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
