it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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