If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
