Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
