I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Hippo gnu deer
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
