Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
