He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
