Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
