I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
