I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
