Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
