I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
