Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
