You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Bring me that man meat
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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