apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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