So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
