Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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