My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
