Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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