I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
