I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
