He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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