do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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