I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
So many bounce houses so little time
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
