Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
