Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
