I wish I could teleport
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
