You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
