if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
