Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
this just has baby written all over it
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I wish there were birth control emojis
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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