Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
