I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just want nice things and good sex
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
