Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
