i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
