I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
