I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
