Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
