dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
