We're facebook friends in real life
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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