I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
