why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We have so much sex to catch up on
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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