I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
